For Better, For Worse
It starts with a red string.
It all starts with a red string—or does it?
The red string theory is an ancient Eastern Asian belief that suggests two people are destined to meet, regardless of the circumstances. According to this theory, there is an invisible red string that connects two individuals.
don’t read and drive- listen here
My first interview focused on divorce, but let’s return to the beginning.
Meet Olivia, a newlywed, fresh off the "I do" podium.
I wanted to speak with her as a sort of patient zero, and to remind those in long-term marriages of how it all starts and the blinding hope we may have had at the beginning.
Cara: How old are you?
Olivia: I am 26.
Cara: How long did you date before you got married?
Olivia: We dated the first time we met for two months, and then we ended up taking about a six-month break because he didn't live here and we both weren't emotionally ready for a relationship. Then six months later, he moved here, and we dated again for nine months, then got engaged. It was very quick.
Cara: How long were you engaged for?
Olivia: We were engaged for about a year and a half before we got married.
Cara: You have been married for almost a year now. How did you know that he was the one, or what was different about him from others?
Olivia: The biggest thing was that he accepted me for who I am. He didn't try to make me be less of a person, because I am a lot. I'm also very independent. Well, I'm not as independent anymore, but I was severely independent. I had my own house, and I just thought I could do everything on my own. And he still let me do that without pressuring me to lean on him.
He's the male version of my best girlfriend, in a way. He didn't make me change, I think that was the biggest thing. He also had his life together. In the past, I dated guys who weren't motivated in life or weren't trying to better themselves.
Cara: There is this ancient Eastern Asian theory about the red string. It believes that no matter what happens in your life, you are destined to meet certain people. Do you believe this to be true in your life?
Olivia: I think I would believe in it. This relationship is completely 180 from any other relationship. They say love is a choice, and I do believe that, but I don't feel like I have to necessarily force it. It's just easy. We can disagree, discuss and move on.
Cara: In a world full of divorce, how do you predict that your marriage outlasts most?
Olivia: We are both from divorced families. Growing up, we saw exactly what we did not want. We learned a lot of lessons from our parents. I had an unaffectionate family, and that is not what I want. Our everyday choices definitely bleed into how we are in a relationship, and hopefully in the future, it'll stay that way.
Cara: Have you two discussed divorce?
Olivia: We discuss if somebody was to die more than if we were to get divorced. I think that in our relationship, as of right now, somebody's more likely to die than to get a divorce and separate us. I think that the only thing that would truly cause us to get a divorce would be cheating.
Cara: Did kids play a role in deciding to get married?
Olivia: He actually didn't want to have children, for the first six months that we dated, he had said he had never seen himself raising kids, probably a little bit from his past. But then, one day he said, "I never wanted to have kids until I met you, and now I want to raise kids with you."
We don't want kids to ruin our short term goals either, we would like to wait a year and build our house first. But sometimes life doesn't go that way.
Cara: Are you ready to be a mom?
Olivia: I think I am, my insecurities about becoming a mom, and being afraid of losing yourself are becoming less. Plus the older we get, the more friends we have starting families. We're around people who have children more. We are watching our friends become parents, so it's a little less intimidating for us. I also think that my husband is going to be a hands-on great dad, which is something I always wanted in a partner.
Cara: The beginning of the marriage is very different from the middle. If you are married for a long time, a lot changes. What would you tell your future self?
Olivia: We just have so much fun together. He's supportive of what I want to do, and I'm supportive of what he wants to do, which I think is also very rare in a lot of couples around our age. I think we're just very understanding of each other right now, which I hope we would continue to be. What makes us strong is our communication skills and being open and honest. I don't know, we just like to have so much fun. We laugh so much together.
I know life changes and we will have our moments of not doing well and it is going to come around again multiple times. I hope we can really focus on our communication and why we actually love each other.
I honestly think out of all my friends, I got such a good husband.
Cara: Any other advice for your future self?
Olivia: Don't forget that you are your own person, as well as his wife, because it is sometimes hard for me to find that balance. Don't lose sight of either one of them.
Cara: Any advice for someone who is wanting to get married?
Olivia: You truly cannot be happy with somebody unless you're happy with yourself. And that is probably part of the reason that him and I didn't work out the first time is because we both were not happy with ourselves. I have friends that jump from relationship to relationship, and then they don't understand why it doesn't last. That's because they're not happy with themselves. So I think, the number one thing is to find who you truly want to be before you figure out who you want to be with.
Cara: The red string theory that two people are destined to be together, think it stands true for you two?
Olivia: He said that the first time we got together, he knew he wanted to marry me but then I shattered his heart in the next six months or so. He probably “love bombed” me a little bit which was a bit much. But he was such a nice guy, I didn't have to work at the relationship. Then you realize, this is how relationships are supposed to be, I shouldn't have to beg you to love me, and I never had to do that with him.
Cara: Do you have a five year plan?
Olivia: We plan to build a house, have a couple of kids,
maybe add some more dogs, and
continue to travel.
Cara: Anything else you want to add?
Olivia: Don't get married because you think you have to. That's a big thing nowadays, people get married because they want to be married, because they don't want to be alone. They get married because they want to have the wedding and there's so much more that comes with it even more than I expected.
Cara: Thank you so much for your time.
I don't think we will ever truly understand why we end up with certain people in our lives. Even if I conducted a thousand interviews, I doubt we could ever prove why someone just happened to be in the same place as you and made an impact on your life, for better or for worse. ~Cara
Marriage ain’t easy. Anyone who has been at it a while knows. From my experience learning to put up with the other person’s shit is going to take you further than anything else.